Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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