Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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