I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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