you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
