So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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