420 ftw
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
