I wish I could teleport
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
