I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
