So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
