Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
