I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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