He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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