I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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