nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I'm bleeding and have questions
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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