I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
