I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
my sisters under your porch take her home
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
