dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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