so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
