I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
