god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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