I seem to have left my pride at pride
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i can't believe i had my finger in that
My balls are so social today.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
