before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
