Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
