There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
