Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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