cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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