well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
