I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
