Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
