shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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