Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
