yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
