i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
