I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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