I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Randomize
