I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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