Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
