My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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