god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
