that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
