How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
