I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
i believe in u and ur pee
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
