Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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