just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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