I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
