I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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