just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
