I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
