just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
