So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
