Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
