you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
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i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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