It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
It's no shave November. This is our time.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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