I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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