I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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