he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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