this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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