so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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