Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
