this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
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I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
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If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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